I was hanging out or dating (what is dating vs hanging out anyway?) this guy. Prime real estate on paper, pretty good real estate in person. Successful, in the finance industry (when it was good). He listened to hip hop and Coldplay. Lived in a swanky neighborhood. I had just gotten out of a yucky relationship and I was really looking for something with more substance. We went to happy hours and dinners, he always paid, graciously. We talked, debated and engaged in real conversation.
Real Conversation: Is Tupac really dead? what defines a good wine? why do people who are non cigarette smokers smoke when they are only buzzed from drinking? what do you really think is the most nutritious food that actually tastes good? How often should you call your mother? In addition to him sharing his endless travel adventures, which is always always sexy. Not to mention when one goes at it alone. Independence: sexy.
So, we had been hanging out, going out, dating, not really sure what.... for a few weeks. A good warm a fuzzy long hug at the end of each "session". A follow up text from him. Always a good time. Signs were there, it was going well, good even! I felt good- i.e I started thinking about him. Telling some friends I think I liked him. Matching my bra and panties. Shaving. Everywhere. Picturing him naked. Deciding how we would make out when we eventually would make out. I fantasized, drifted off into how it would all go down... or happen.
We were at another yummy dinner, happy hour. When a man lets you order whatever you want and treats you like a princess, it makes you feel special, its a painty dropper. It really is. Or, err, it is at least if you have been dating douche bags who didn't try and make you feel special or took you to places where he had coupons for buy one get one free dinners (nothing wrong with being a baller on a budget, but keep it classy dudes). When men splurge, especially at the beginning, it feels like they want to make you happy. And sometimes all girls really want is for men to try and make you happy, by their actions, not there promises. We notice the little things. We like the little things. I know I do.
Soooo, we eat my favorite food. Sushi. Which is his favorite food, bonus points for him. We drink Sake. We are vibing. Its early. Meal is over. Its nice out. He says what do you wanna do now? I say, well whatever you want , I wouldn't mind hanging out more...and I smile. (inside voice: I wanna make out! we have been hanging out for like 3 weeks and I wanna see if I want your body! I think I do? I'm not really sure though, so lets mickey frickey get it on!).
I play coy. We walk around the city. Go to his Loft. He pours some vino... and gets out his movie collection and says I can pick. Pressure. Hmmm boys like action movies right? But I wanna make out? I had made out to all sorts of movies. But, its not that hot, and I am certainly not picking out a chick flick. I hmmm and haaaa about what to pick. I just tell him he needs to pick.
He is fumbling around his loft, sort of cleaning up. He seems slightly nervous, not majorly, but a little skittish.
I like it.
I like making men a little nervous.
I also like calming them down and making men feel good, I'm not entirely a vixen.
Speaking of, I down my wine. I'm not not not NOT making the first move. But I will oblige.
He picks out Meet Joe Black. Quite possible one of the most romantic movies of all time. Brad Pitt and a gorgeous brunette, add an incredible love making scene that is both erotic and spiritual, definitely a good watching by yourself alone in bed movie if ya know what I mean. Anyway, I am like, seriously? you really want to watch this? He is like ya I love this movie. OK, cool.
Fasten your seatbelt folks. We are getting it on tonight.
Movie is on.
We sit on the comfy couch, I spread out my sitting position slightly- without throwing myself at him.
He sits on one corner, I on the other.
We drink wine, watch intently, as if this movie is life depending. You know that stage when the movie is a means to make out and you are both just tooo....je n'est sais quoi (i dont know what) to just make out!? Ya. Apparently it happens post- age 16.
He offers up more wine. Yes, please.
20 minutes pass, we are stretched out on the couch. I slide closer to him a bit, our shoes come off. I am clearly available. Not for sex! For some.... something? A lil sumthin sumthin.
He gets up.
Starts doing the dishes.
OK, this guy is really nervous.
I sit up and am like what are you doing? In my bedroom voice. He's like I just need to do this really quick... just relax, watch the movie I will be right there.
hmmm. OK.
He then goes to the bathroom.
What is it that guys do in the bathroom anyway? I know what women do. We do a lot more than pee, especially when we are in an almost getting it on situation. I have been known to call friends, or talk to myself & pump myself up in the mirror, while making sure my pits are dry, my ass looks good, or if its going bad... I have had to develop a get away strategy stat! Anyway, I know men do more than pee in the bathroom.
He comes out of the bathroom. I'm chillin, being friendly, open, nice, not too nice, not too naughty, isn't that what guys like? Trying to be inviting here...
He sits down very very close to me...puts his arm around me. I lean into him.
Its nice. Albeit slightly awkward still but nice.
So maybe he isn't smooth? That's OK. I have been with way tooooo many guys who are way too smooth, so he is slow and innocent or awkward at first, its almost cute? right? right. OK.
A few minutes into our knuddling.
He reaches over to his coffee table, me leaning on him still, grabs something, and then scoots over back to his end of the couch.
I look over.
I hear loud, screeching, clipping noises.
HE IS CLIPPING HIS TOENAILS.
I look at him eyes WIDE and jaw dropped, he doesn't even look at my to see if i notice!!!!! I am so grossed out,and to make matter worse he is so into it. he has that weird focused look on his face, as if he is a world renown artist sculpting a work of art, yes he is still clipping his toenails in front of me. As if we have been married for 40 years.
Doesn't even look up, Focused on his nasty toes.
I sit in shock. Gulp what is left of my wine very quickly.
Get up,
he doesn't even really notice.
I sit the wine glass slightly loudly on the counter of his kitchen counter and say:
" ummmmm I think I'm gonna go"
What? Why? he asks, finally looks up from his feet.
Ummm I'm tired.
Oh, really? Are you sure? Bummer. Totally surprised tone of voice.
Real Conversation: Is Tupac really dead? what defines a good wine? why do people who are non cigarette smokers smoke when they are only buzzed from drinking? what do you really think is the most nutritious food that actually tastes good? How often should you call your mother? In addition to him sharing his endless travel adventures, which is always always sexy. Not to mention when one goes at it alone. Independence: sexy.
So, we had been hanging out, going out, dating, not really sure what.... for a few weeks. A good warm a fuzzy long hug at the end of each "session". A follow up text from him. Always a good time. Signs were there, it was going well, good even! I felt good- i.e I started thinking about him. Telling some friends I think I liked him. Matching my bra and panties. Shaving. Everywhere. Picturing him naked. Deciding how we would make out when we eventually would make out. I fantasized, drifted off into how it would all go down... or happen.
We were at another yummy dinner, happy hour. When a man lets you order whatever you want and treats you like a princess, it makes you feel special, its a painty dropper. It really is. Or, err, it is at least if you have been dating douche bags who didn't try and make you feel special or took you to places where he had coupons for buy one get one free dinners (nothing wrong with being a baller on a budget, but keep it classy dudes). When men splurge, especially at the beginning, it feels like they want to make you happy. And sometimes all girls really want is for men to try and make you happy, by their actions, not there promises. We notice the little things. We like the little things. I know I do.
Soooo, we eat my favorite food. Sushi. Which is his favorite food, bonus points for him. We drink Sake. We are vibing. Its early. Meal is over. Its nice out. He says what do you wanna do now? I say, well whatever you want , I wouldn't mind hanging out more...and I smile. (inside voice: I wanna make out! we have been hanging out for like 3 weeks and I wanna see if I want your body! I think I do? I'm not really sure though, so lets mickey frickey get it on!).
I play coy. We walk around the city. Go to his Loft. He pours some vino... and gets out his movie collection and says I can pick. Pressure. Hmmm boys like action movies right? But I wanna make out? I had made out to all sorts of movies. But, its not that hot, and I am certainly not picking out a chick flick. I hmmm and haaaa about what to pick. I just tell him he needs to pick.
He is fumbling around his loft, sort of cleaning up. He seems slightly nervous, not majorly, but a little skittish.
I like it.
I like making men a little nervous.
I also like calming them down and making men feel good, I'm not entirely a vixen.
Speaking of, I down my wine. I'm not not not NOT making the first move. But I will oblige.
He picks out Meet Joe Black. Quite possible one of the most romantic movies of all time. Brad Pitt and a gorgeous brunette, add an incredible love making scene that is both erotic and spiritual, definitely a good watching by yourself alone in bed movie if ya know what I mean. Anyway, I am like, seriously? you really want to watch this? He is like ya I love this movie. OK, cool.
Fasten your seatbelt folks. We are getting it on tonight.
Movie is on.
We sit on the comfy couch, I spread out my sitting position slightly- without throwing myself at him.
He sits on one corner, I on the other.
We drink wine, watch intently, as if this movie is life depending. You know that stage when the movie is a means to make out and you are both just tooo....je n'est sais quoi (i dont know what) to just make out!? Ya. Apparently it happens post- age 16.
He offers up more wine. Yes, please.
20 minutes pass, we are stretched out on the couch. I slide closer to him a bit, our shoes come off. I am clearly available. Not for sex! For some.... something? A lil sumthin sumthin.
He gets up.
Starts doing the dishes.
OK, this guy is really nervous.
I sit up and am like what are you doing? In my bedroom voice. He's like I just need to do this really quick... just relax, watch the movie I will be right there.
hmmm. OK.
He then goes to the bathroom.
What is it that guys do in the bathroom anyway? I know what women do. We do a lot more than pee, especially when we are in an almost getting it on situation. I have been known to call friends, or talk to myself & pump myself up in the mirror, while making sure my pits are dry, my ass looks good, or if its going bad... I have had to develop a get away strategy stat! Anyway, I know men do more than pee in the bathroom.
He comes out of the bathroom. I'm chillin, being friendly, open, nice, not too nice, not too naughty, isn't that what guys like? Trying to be inviting here...
He sits down very very close to me...puts his arm around me. I lean into him.
Its nice. Albeit slightly awkward still but nice.
So maybe he isn't smooth? That's OK. I have been with way tooooo many guys who are way too smooth, so he is slow and innocent or awkward at first, its almost cute? right? right. OK.
A few minutes into our knuddling.
He reaches over to his coffee table, me leaning on him still, grabs something, and then scoots over back to his end of the couch.
I look over.
I hear loud, screeching, clipping noises.
HE IS CLIPPING HIS TOENAILS.
I look at him eyes WIDE and jaw dropped, he doesn't even look at my to see if i notice!!!!! I am so grossed out,and to make matter worse he is so into it. he has that weird focused look on his face, as if he is a world renown artist sculpting a work of art, yes he is still clipping his toenails in front of me. As if we have been married for 40 years.
Doesn't even look up, Focused on his nasty toes.
I sit in shock. Gulp what is left of my wine very quickly.
Get up,
he doesn't even really notice.
I sit the wine glass slightly loudly on the counter of his kitchen counter and say:
" ummmmm I think I'm gonna go"
What? Why? he asks, finally looks up from his feet.
Ummm I'm tired.
Oh, really? Are you sure? Bummer. Totally surprised tone of voice.
OK, well nice hanging out.
Warm fuzzy hug, as always.
PUSSY FUMBLED!!!!!!!!!!!
Warm fuzzy hug, as always.
PUSSY FUMBLED!!!!!!!!!!!
He got in the game (more on getting in the game coming soon), he got some good game time, he had potential so far for an MVP, he got into position, he had a play, opportunity knocks....
Lesson #1: If you like a girl, don't clip your toenails in front of her or get too comfortable, before you get it on. If you are nervous, do your weird nervous antics in private, stay in the bathroom for an hour if you have to. Don't do it in front of her. Please, please don't fumble the pussy. You had it. You had potential. You caught the ball, you were starting your stride.... and then.......you fumbled.
Was there a recovery?
Stay tuned for next week. In the meantime, please don't fumble the pussy.
No comments:
Post a Comment